So, earlier today, I let the troll out of the bag, if for just a little while and without the aid of tequila. I must be getting old. But it got me thinking about the thing YOU should never do -
Do Not Feed Chip Tequila. That goes for straight shots of tequila. I can still drink it mixed (tobasco is not really an approved mixer when it comes to the rule), just not straight.
There is a good reason for this rule. It's kind of like the old Bill Cosby routine about cocaine. He talks about asking someone why they do cocaine and the answer is, "It intensifies your personality." Bill's answer is, "What if you're an asshole?" That's pretty much what tequila does to me. It intensifies my personality. And I am an asshole. I once tried to get out of a car at 35 mph just because someone was talking about smoking. Later that night, my friends gave me a mini bottle of Mezqual (complete with a worm and spicy salt). After drinking that, I tried to walk home to Schofield from Helemano (about 7-8 miles along a two-lane highway). The MP's stopped me half a block into my trek and sent me back to the party. I sat in front of the house and watched people walk right past me to go search the neighborhood for me. They didn't find me until they heard me giggling over the fact that they'd spent an hour unsuccessfully hunting for me. That was where the rule first became a kind of guideline.
A little over a year ago, I went to a promotion party for a Marine. We were at an apartment in Dong-Bingo, Seoul and as is the case with almost any military promotion party, there was a LOT of alcohol. Mostly, there was beer, but there was also an assortment of the hard stuff. Now, the don't feed Chip tequila rule has been in existence for a few years but I always have to remind people. I didn't know most of the people there since the Marine in question worked in a different office than me and the party was being thrown by his coworkers, but there were a handful of guys I knew.
We were sitting around on the rooftop (you haven't partied in Korea until you've partied on a rail less rooftop drunk) getting smashed. Someone got the bright idea to start passing around a bottle of Cuervo. I declined because I knew the rule (hell, I made the rule). I was called on it and I said I'd drink from any other bottle at the party, but I wouldn't drink the tequila. They passed me a bottle of Crown Royal and dared me to drink out of it. Well, being challenged like that, I had no other recourse than to noticeably lower the level of the liquid in the bottle. They continued to pass the Cuervo around and after a couple hits of Crown, the rule disappeared and I started chasing the Crown with the Cuervo.
When it came time to go, my friends and I headed back to the car (we did have a completely sober designated driver) and found it to be completely blocked in from behind by a cab. Well, one of the guys tried pushing the cab out of the way (in Korea, people will block you in all the time but they will leave their car in neutral with the brake off so you can push it out of the way), but the parking brake was set. Then we heard a shout from above. The cabby was on his balcony shouting at us. He came running down the stairs and started yelling some more about us being parked in his spot. At the time, I was standing back translating everything for the DD's wife. The driver started to apologize but the old man didn't want anything to do with that. He just wanted to go off on us. He started calling us every name under the sun.
The driver's Korean was quickly used up, but the other guy we were with was a great linguist, so he started to try to talk to the guy. Still nothing. He started in on him and was really getting heated. I was still translating everything in an almost bored tone of voice. My buddy and the guy just kept getting more and more heated. It started to get loud and finally the guy threatened to hit my friend. This was pretty laughable, because the guy was like 50. My buddy invited him to take his best shot. At this point, my buddy borrowed my phone and pretended to call the cops. We really didn't want to get the cops involved, we just hoped the threat would make the guy move the cab so we could leave. Didn't work. He kept going.
At some point, I must have hit my limit. I explained it later as having only so many 'dog bastards' (that's the literal translation) in me. I went off. By this time, the old man's wife and fat daughter were in the street. I went right at the guy. I let loose with every foul word and phrase I could think of and begged the guy to hit me. My friends nearly gang tackled me because they were afraid of what I might do. To this day, I know I wouldn't have done anything to the guy. I was just fed up and tired and DRUNK and wanted to go home and he was being a complete asshole about not letting us apologize and go. My friends told me later that they were very impressed by my Korean. They said they knew I was good but didn't realize I could talk like that.
They calmed me down and we did call the cops for real. The cops came, spent about 5 minutes figuring out the situation, and they came to us and said, "Please, just apologize one more time and we'll make him move the car." We did. They did. He did. And we left. The entire ride back, all I could talk about was coming back and peeing on his tires. I never did. The neighborhood was a complete maze and I could have never found my way back.
I got more 'Don't Feed Chip Tequila' stories and maybe I (or Different Hanja or greywar) will share them at a later time. But the point is this
Don't Feed Chip Tequila
My friends will tell you that I am generally a decent drunk. I'm mellow and happy. But something about drinking tequila straight brings out my inner troll. People have learned this lesson the hard way. Including myself.